i wonder how i can truly be happy.
whatever you want here
I AM SUPER SUPER FREAKING MAD!!!!
heard the most ridiculous thing in my life just now.
"u better dont mix with ppl that nv study"
yes, from my mum.
she found darren's class photo, but i didnt tell her that he was in it( anyway she doesnt know who he is). anyway the point is, when she started seeing the "sec 5" and "woodlands ring sec", she started to slam neighbourhood schools and n level students. mum, for your info, rivervalley high is also a neighbourhood school. Bro's ACS(I)'s entry score for express, may even be lower than some neighbourhood schools e.g. Commenwealth sec. and i said that some n levels still make it to Uni, even if they dont, they can enter Polys, as diploma holders are very much in demand right now.
she said "so what if n levels can make it to Uni. the fact that they take 1 more year than O level students means that they are lousy. and not being able to get a degree means that they are STILL lousier than degree holders."
wtf. isnt this the most myopic statement of the year?
and it went on. " mummy, do you know that non-degree holders end up making more money that degree holders in the end?"
"so? a rich man is not necessarily a successful man. [ geesh, such a hypocrite, you just slammed diploma holders --> the older difference btwn a diploma holder and a degree holder is just the starting pay my dear mother. ] Someone who knows how to study will make it big in life. [HALLO???? please take a look at what you are saying?? in Singapore, education is merely the conventional route to earning the big bucks alrite. PLEASE stop thinking that we are living in a Confucian society where KNOWLEDGE makes you more superior. furthermore, getting a degree doesnt mean that your IQ is on par with Einstein. it just means that you know how to mug, and mug hard. ]"
she continued, "you so angry for what? mummy just wants the best for you. dont mix with neighbourhood school people[ sorry my dear friends, even myself, i cant mix with you from now on] mummy cant be there to guide you all the way."
exasperated. "mummy, why do you look down on ppl from neighbourhood schools/non-degree holders. both daddy and you aint degree holders ok."
"we were both poor last time, cant afford to study."
"did you think about how other people have their own difficulties also??"
"the fact is they cant study." [ super super exasperated and frustrated trying to talk sense and be logical with her, when all i get are such ridiculous and lame attempts at defending herself."
super x 1000000 exasperated now. "mummy, you're 50 plus now, and you're studying Buddhist texts. but i think you're super "ai mu xu rong" and childish ok."
"you're 'ai mu xu rong' also ok. look at you, so cold outside, still wear so short." [ if it was another time, i would just ROFL with this remark. wear short shorts = ai mu xu rong?? if you wanna say im slutty or shallow in trying to keep up with the fashion, alrite i've nothing to say. but this?? LOL. OMG. and for people who know me, has anyone seen me slinging a Guess bag, with a levis on my butt, a Chanel compact in my pocket?? ]
and on she went about how messy is my room, how i dont know how to cook [ hallo??? i start from scratch in whatever i cook ok, WITHOUT YOUR HELP. and i have practically mastered ALL your vegetarian dishes, just that im not that adept with meat yet. and im proud to say that i can at least cook a decent 6 course meal, and mind you, not stuff like spaghetti, canned soup/tuna/wadever, maggi mee, omelette, mashed potato etc. say i cannot cook???? knnb. infuriated beyond words at this point.]
it ended with "mummy, i think you'll regret it on your deathbed."
"what do i have to regret??"
"for being a lousy mum." [ did i mention that my mum's definition of a good mum is to ensure that her daughter leads a good life? not stuff like communication, understanding etc. i ve told her about that before, but apparently it rebounded off her.] i think i made her cry, but too fucking pissed to bother much about it anyway. remember guys, please take out your wallets and arm yourselves with the certs and stuff before an intervie-*ahem* meeting my dear mother next time.
whatever you want here
EVERYBODY's blogs are about their bfs. mushy mushy. love is in the air i guess. well.. =/
so i'll have a NON-BF entry up for a change!
SIMS SIMS SIMS SIMS SIMS. and FORUMS FORUMS FORUMS. and TV TV TV TV and ONLINE SHOP SURFING ONLINE SHOP SURFING ONLINE SHOP SURFING. and SLEEPING SLEEPING SLEEPING.
feel kinda cut off from the rest of the world right now. dont really feel like waking up to the same old "what to do", but feel guilty for psycho-ing myself to sleep when readings pile pile pile pile. everyone is so busy. but no money to go out:( else i can simply spend e whhoollee day walking around Singapore with me myself and i, and trusty mp3.
feel like a SIM, when you dont give her any directions/ things to do, and she just stands there, fold her arms, and scratches her nose. basically i LOATHE any local media productions, yet am so bloody effing bored that i've resorted to watching "Legend of the * immortal" re-runs, yuan zhi hui, hwang zhen yi, etc. and even
surfing wikipedia for random nuggets of info can!!boooohooooo. nvm. huilin is a GREAT SELF-ENTERTAINER!!!
i love to whine. =D =D =D =D huilin is an egoistical, terribly bored, self-centered, selfish, narcissistic, spoilt, biatch. gosh, didnt know i can sound TOTALLY like a bimbotic spg. Giggles, like, wadeva~
whatever you want here
quote from wikipedia:
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is defined as a
personality disorder primarily characterized by
emotional dysregulation, extreme "black and white" thinking, or "
splitting", and
chaotic relationships. The general profile of the disorder also typically includes a pervasive instability in
mood,
interpersonal relationships,
self-image,
identity, and
behavior, as well as a disturbance in the individual's
sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of
dissociation.
A commonly used
mnemonic to remember some features of borderline personality disorder is
PRAISE:
P - Paranoid ideas
R - Relationship instability
A - Angry outbursts, affective instability, abandonment fears
I - Impulsive behavior, identity disturbance
S - Suicidal behavior
E - Emptiness
Individuals with BPD can be
very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a
disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone.
Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative. Impulsive behaviors are common, including alcohol or drug abuse, unsafe sex, gambling, and recklessness in general. Attachment studies suggest individuals with BPD, while being
high in intimacy- or novelty-seeking, can be hyper-alert to signs of rejection or not being valued and tend towards insecure, avoidant or ambivalent or fearfully preoccupied patterns in relationships. They tend to view the world generally as dangerous and malevolent, and themselves as powerless, vulnerable, unacceptable and unsure in self-identity.
The criteria are:
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]
2. A pattern of unstable and intense
interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of
idealization and
devaluation.
3.
Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable
self-image or
sense of self. >br>
4.
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g.,
promiscuous sex,
eating disorders,
binge eating,
substance abuse,
reckless driving). [Again, not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]
5.Recurrent
suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or
self-mutilating behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars, or picking at oneself.
6.
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of
mood (e.g., intense episodic
dysphoria, irritability, or
anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7.Chronic feelings of
emptiness, worthlessness.
8.Inappropriate
anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9.Transient,
stress-related
paranoid ideation or severe
dissociative symptoms
apparently, i possess ALL the symptoms of a BPD person!! YAY!! =D i think it'll shed much light on my behaviour, which pisses many people off.
anyone know a good psychologist? im not kidding here.
whatever you want here
really dont know what's happening to me lately. is it due to the monotony of work? cant be relationship, 'cos ive been having probs with him ever since day 1. so what the fucking hell is wrong with you, you stupid girl!!!!!
anyway, realised over these few months how WEAK i was actually. not only weak, but having lots n lots of flaws in my personlity. i really dont know how to handle these negative thoughts running through my head. escape them? sweep them under the rug? confront them? wallow in them, until i can sink no further, and i ll rise again, like a phoenix reborn from the ashes?
sorry. think im scaring those who arent used to seeing me this way.
what the hell are you jealous of?? what are you so obsessed about? her youth, her beauty? her freedom, at being able to do things that you couldnt? of living in her shadows?? her ability to be spoilt and expecting the world to revolve around her, and ha ha, getting whatever she wants? karma, the possibility of reaping what you sow? of being betrayed one day, just like how i was the third party??
fuck, why must i ALWAYS be the understanding one, to be shaped into your ideal. why can she just do whatever she wants, and gets away with it?? and you always think you're right, that you've done nothing wrong. honestly, you've broken my spirit and identity, in the name of "Settling down". fuck fuck fuck. i sound totally like a whining spoilt bitch myself.
i dont even know what am i holding on to.
whatever you want here
if im not at work, i would probably :
a) cut myself, again and again.
b) drink till i die, and get wasted in clubs
c) go sleep. and nv ever wake up.
fuck u, fuck u to hell, fuck everything.
i hate all of this.
whatever you want here
